I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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