omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
