What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
