I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
