It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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