My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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