Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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