drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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