So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
