I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
