i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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