I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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