so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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