Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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