Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
