I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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