but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
