I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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