i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
