this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
