I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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