I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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