watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
