Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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