He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
