Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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