She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
