you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
