Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
