just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
