I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
