we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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