as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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