If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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