i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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