allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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