Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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