I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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