I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
