Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
