I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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