Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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