ugly people sure do ruin things
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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