We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
