on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
