Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
