And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
