At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
