i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
