I accidentally had phone sex last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
