I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
